There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
