we have pet lesbian snakes
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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