I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
