i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
How external is "for external use only"?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
