Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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