My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
