i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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