The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
this hospital has no fireball
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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