The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
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