cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
