All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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