wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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