i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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