Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
