You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
