so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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