My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize