I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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