Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
