I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
