I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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