Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
