I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
