I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
