The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
