Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
