she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
