My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Only a mothe r could love this liver
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
