I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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