Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
