wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
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you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
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WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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