Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
