i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
