Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
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want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
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My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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