Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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