I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
