All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
