gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
