I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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