Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
