The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
