you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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