Farmville is her only friend.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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