You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
