I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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