My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
