I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
