just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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