Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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