it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
