totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
