Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I looked at my own cervix.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
