My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
someone owes me an orgasm
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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