I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
