Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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