Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
