I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I think we might need a safe word for this...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
