i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
