I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
