Taylor Swift is so right about you.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
