spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
