ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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